Emotional and loving it

After my brother died last year May I've felt guilty for the fact that we barely spoke, I never told him how I felt about him and to my surprise subconsciously I've lived my life trying to be a better communicator on a whole. 

Even before my brother died I was always confused as to why my mother couldn't speak without having an argument and I knew I didn't want that to be me. Nobody's perfect but if I at least try to change life would be that much easier. 

With that said, I've realized that other persons actually haven't gotten on this    emotional journey I'm on and probably never will what I mean by that is, I feel I'm at peace with myself to know I'll always be honest with ME and honest with whoever I communicate with, unfortunately this has caused a huge communication barrier in relationships I hold dear to me. I'm left totally misunderstood and mocked. 

However I do understand that it if something isn't working, I shouldn't force and I will leave it alone to run it's course. I will forever believe that the world would be better off if we all learned to communicate more and express our feelings openly. 

Bad New Years.

It's New Year's Eve but what happens when you don't necessarily want to enter a new year the way you're going to? What happens when you'd rather rewind a few months back and change a few mishaps? 

I don't want to be wished a happy new year because I have no hope that it will be a happy year. I want to wake up out of this dream and be the happy fun loving girl I was that was entirely enthused about her future and what she would become. Right now I have absolutely no plans for my life other than running away from the world for a bit to find solace in the simple life. Enjoy life for just what's happening at the moment and nothing more than that. Smile at flowers because the bloom, bask in the ocean naked and feel the sun brighten my day. I just need to get away for a while. 

I could never imagine that death would affect me as much.... I have no idea how to cope.

Wheel of fortune

Its quite funny how many situations in my life has become like a wheel of fortune. Where I'm guessing what my next move is then I make a mistake and beg for a free spin. This might sound a bit strange or rather extremely cliche but I don't have much in my life that I care about anymore. I might be a bit broken but I cannot change it right now. I am in a huge rut.

So I live my life just spinning that wheel hoping I get something nice and if I don't I just cry about the fact that I'm like this or I just move on and try spinning again.
It really isn't smart to be living my life like a game but is hard when you're not the best person you feel you could be. It's really just being extremely spontaneous, you just get up one morning and say "I'm done with being natural for now" and then cry about it for a while but you get over it cause nothing really matters anymore.

You feel broken down and drained there's nothing else you can do but take free spin, I might end up bankrupt but that's never the end right?

"Cut it off, throw it away"

I've come to realize that a lot of people I thought were permanent in my life, aren't.

They're moving on with their lives and planning ahead for the future while I'm here being sad about it which makes no sense at all! They've made steps toward to future leaving me out of it and to be honest it has made me really sad, depressed is more the word but what can I do other than move on and plan ahead for my future? That's exactly what I'm going to do. Forget about everyone who has forgotten me and move on with my life and myself happy.

Reminds me of something I learned in class the other day. We were learning about the gatekeepers in an organization. Gatekeepers are basically people who manipulate the inflow and outflow of information in the organization. Well I'm going to be my own gatekeeper and keep the negative energy and people out of my life and start "outflowing" positive vibes and energy so that i will attract positive permanent people into my life.

Ive mentioned before that I have projects bubbling up in my head that i really want to execute well, starting tomorrow, I have meetings to start one of these projects, I'm very excited to start because I really believe in them. Wish me luck :)

Leaning towers of pizza.

As funny as this title may sound, I've found it to be relevant to my relationships, i've come to realize that my last relationship didn't work because we weren't working together as a team to make the dream work. I was always giving more than him and he was pulling back, possibly because of his past relationship but that I didn't realize at the time that we needed to work on the past before we looked forward to a future.

I thought by just being faithful and awesome we would've lasted, when I reevaluated my relationship (when it was way too late) I found out that we needed to be two strong towers who wouldn't allow planes or anything to break us down. Unfortunately and fortunately, I'm happy I had that experience so I can now move forward and be not just an awesome girlfriend or a leaning tower of pizza, but a strong tower of love. (You can find this on corny.com but its true) I've become not just a strong tower to take on love and a relationship but a strong tower to take on the world.

It's bittersweet that we have to experience something for ourselves to learn. We wouldn't be who we are today if didn't go through what we did, but coincidentally we wouldn't be who we are if we didn't experience certain things. Think about it.

Magical thinking

I heard this term in one of my classes and it spoke to me, so I've had this title written down even before this post expecting that the title would give me inspiration to write, coincidentally enough, this is an example of magical thinking.

I've never understood why I waited around for things I knew would not happen and it puzzled me, made me think something was wrong with me, maybe I was delusional or living in some sort of fantasy land not realizing what was right in front of me (magical thinking). I convinced myself that things would happen the way I wanted to, I would fight all odds just to get what I wanted but the problem with that is if it was suppose it happen I wouldn't have to fight so hard it would've come naturally and I wouldn't have to force it but silly me, stuck in my magical thinking. This is only applicable to certain situations because of course if you want good grades you know you have to put out the effort but if you believe in date as it relates to relationships etc, you need no effort other than making yourself a great person for your soulmate.

I've allowed myself to live in this fantasy land for quite some time and in all honesty, those were some of the best years of my life, but since recently I've snapped back into reality that I won't always get what I want (when I want) but it will happen if its suppose to. (magical thinking?) And since I've migrated from fantasy land I have been happy, not as happy as I was before but I know it will get there with time and no effort.

Unfortunately, fortunately

I haven't posted anything on here in the longest time because I've honestly been scared to, I created this blog to get my feelings out and feel better about my life but when I do write, I just want to cry because I relive memories and moments in my life that I definitely don't want to. Anyway, I'm sorry for being absent, lets get to the meat of the matter.

A lot has happened in my life since my last post fortunately and unfortunately. I've stopped working for the distribution company for terrible reason but I won't get into that, just know it wasn't my fault. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't writing any blog posts because I was happy enough to not find solace in writing. But of course, that was a lie.

I've been trying to not soak myself in my tears anymore and force myself in a happier place so that eventually it will come naturally...makes sense to me, I think.

My New Years resolution is to do whatever makes me happy not giving a damn about anybody else and their feelings, might sound selfish but I need to do this. I've been putting others before myself for way to long, unfortunately my conscience won't allow me and I've been failing but the year hasn't ended yet so there's still hope! (Positivity)

Meanwhile, bare with me while I get over my fear of reliving my past and allow myself to open up and be positive!